Extras

We had technically three songs we'd use as either soundcheck or encore filler, typically. We'd cover Lights Out just for fun and My Old Man's a Fatso, both from The Angry Samoans, a fair amount (esp. the latter). And then we'd do this one I think you'll recognize:

(To the tune The KKK Took My Baby Away)

I went out to eat for the holidays
Said I wanted KFC
But I never got fed
I never got fed
I never got fed, I say

I went out to eat for the holidays
Said I wanted KFC
But I never got there
I never got fed
I never got fed, I say

The KFC took my gravy away
They took it away
Away from me
The KFC took my gravy away
They took it away
Away from me

Hey
Ho
Hey
Ho

Now I don't know
Where my gravy can be
They took it from me
They kept it from me
I don't know
Where my gravy can be
They took it from me
They kept it from me

Ring me, ring me, ring me
Up the Colonel
And find out where my gravy went
Ring me, ring me, ring me
Up the Country Fried
And tell me
how I'm supposed to survive
Yeah, yeah, yeah

O-o-o-o-o-o
O-o-o-o-o-o

I went out for the holidays
SAID! I wanted KFC
But I never got fed
I never got fed
I never got fed, I say

I went out to eat for the holidays
Said I wanted KFC
But I never got fed
I never got fed
I never got fed, I say

The KFC took my gravy away
They took it away
Away from me
The KFC took my gravy away
They took it away
Away from me

The KFC took my gravy away
They took it away
Away from me
The KFC took my gravy away

They took my side dish
They took my gravy away

The end of the set - always

We'd always do this 2-in-1 to close out our time. The 2nd song here would come in, just for that bit, prior to the final rejoin of the chorus on the 1st song. I'd also use that break time to introduce the band members: Foil von FranksNBeans, Jerry Baloney, Dr. C.H.O.A.D., and yours truly, Glen Hamzinger. We always nailed this one (except when my voice broke once right at the beginning. Great timing, that one).

(To the tune of Last Caress)

Well I got something to say,
I ate a baby today,
and it doesn't matter much to me,
as long as it's fresh

Well I got something to say,
I gorged on innards today,
and it doesn't matter much to me,
Placenta is best

Sweet tasty death,
I've gotta have the worst breath,
Come sweet death, One last carcass

Sweet tasty death,
I've gotta have the worst breath,
Come spoiled death, One last carcass

Well I got something to say,
I ate a body today,
and it doesn't matter much to me,
as long as it's fresh

Sweet tasty death,
I've gotta have the worst breath,
Come sweet death,

BREAKOUT - CHANGE GEARS TO THIS SONG INSTEAD!

Butter
Spread on my toast everyday
From a cube or from a spray
Is it olean?
Is it parkay?
Butter

Butter
Can you keep my heart from working right?
No blood flow without a fight
Oh butter

And doctor
I can't seem to feel my left arm or right
Cholestorol has made me a sight
Oh doctor

Not about to start eating light
But if you wanna eat large with me
I can show you what it's like
Till your wheezing

Not about to start eating light
But if you wanna eat large with me
I can show you what it's...

AND NOW, BACK TO THE ACTION:

One last carcass

One last carcass, sweet death
One last carcass, sweet death
Oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh
Oh

Lyrics - Where Ladies Dare

Quite possibly the no. 1 crowd favorite here. I know it's my fave rendition out of all of them. I was darned proud of this one.

(To the tune of Where Eagles Dare)

We walk the streets at night
Let's go where ladies dare,
I'll pick up your big bar tab,
You pick up this big loser,
Through beer-goggled eyes and features,
You think I really care?

I am one fatass son of a bitch
You better think about it baby
I am one fatass son of a bitch
You better think about it baby, babe

An omelet made of cheese
Sounds real good right now
It's not that I'm fat -
It's an overactive gland!

I am one fatass son of a bitch
You better think about it baby
I am one fatass son of a bitch
You better think about it baby, baby

Let's test your threshold of pain
Let's see how long I last
That strange feeling from behind
Is my gut on your ass

Through beer-goggled eyes and features,
You think I really care?
Let's go where ladies dare
We'll go where ladies dare

I am one fatass son of a bitch
You better think about it baby
I am one fatass son of a bitch
You better think about it baby
I am one fatass son of a bitch
You better think about it baby
I am one fatass son of a bitch
You better think about it baby, hey

Lyrics - We Eat

Kinda obvious but a good h/c one to throw in and rile the crowd up a bit.

(to the tune of WE BITE)

We walk the streets, no good to do
We eat
Just on a feast of fat and food
We eat
Omnivores live for pleasure
We eat
Strike out like Orson Welles
We eat

And when I get my food I inhale it
I eat more like a duck
I want more food, I'm never full
To eat some more

We eat
We eat
We eat
We eat

And when I get my food I inhale it
I eat more like a duck
I want more food, I'm never full
To eat some more

We eat
We eat

And when I get my food I inhale it
I eat more like a duck
I want more food, I'm never full
To eat some more

We eat
We eat
We eat
We eat

Lyrics - TV Dinner Casualty

Intro'd into our set the last year or so, good to have on hand for longer set times. Always hoped we could get our pals in Stay Tuned to close out the song with the I Love Lucy theme but it never came together that way.

We did, however, get to do the 7" non-guitar Misfits' version of She together at the show in Chico, CA.

(To the tune of TV Casualty)

There are green peas in everything I own
The vapor rub is lying on a table of filth
Checkup cards to which I never reply
Feel like I'm stuffed to my eyeballs tonight

TV dinner casualty, TV dinner casualty
We're all right
TV dinner casualty, TV dinner casualty
I wish they'd put Swanson in a tube
Hold on, I think I have to puke
There's a spot in the corner where I always go
I like to recycle the food that I know

But please don't take my TVdinner-'way
Please don't take my TVdinner-'way
Please don't take my TVdinner-'way
Please don't take my TVdinner-'way

TV dinner casualty, TV dinner casualty
We're all right
TV dinner casualty, TV dinner casualty

Two bucks a piece, they call this a deal
Still a cheap dinner, no cleanup
Tear off the foil, dig right in
Hard to breathe, peas stuck in my throat

Sponsors at the cemetery
Worms feasting on the fat in my grave
Coffin too small at your grave
"Curse the man who invented fried cheese!"
TV dinner casualty, TV dinner casualty
We're all right
TV dinner casualty, TV dinner casualty
We're all right
TV dinner casualty, TV dinner casualty

Lyrics - Some Kinda Meat

Not the most clever one we did, I'll admit, but it was a crowd sing-along fave - plus, it allowed me to dance like Elvis as we played it a bit faster than the original recordings. And, oddly enough, it is based on an actual doctor visit of mine. Gotta love it when art meets reality, huh, kids?

(To the tune of Some Kind of Hate)

There's some kinda love
For some kinda meat
Doc said my triglycerides
Were 888

And it's a whoah...
I said whaoh

Hear the cows cry
It's a call - just can't keep away
What they don't know is soon
They'll be on my plate

And it's a whoah...
Baby whoah...
And it's a whoah...
I said woah

There's some kinda love
For some kinda meat
I'm gonna tell you all about it now
Doc said my triglycerides
Were 888

And it's a whoah...
Baby whoah...
Baby whoah..
I said whoah...whoa whoa...whoa...

Lyrics - Private Bidness

Played this one straight ahead, Misfits-style for awhile; then we switched the music to match the Samhain version and that instantly made it one of our faves. I always had to check with Dr. C.H.O.A.D. if he could make it since it nearly always fell mid-way through the set. He'd blow out some air usually and gimme a determined, "Yeah," right back.

(To the tune of Horror Business)

Too much private business
keepin' me up at night
Bowel Movement #78
My bathroom is new
You, you don't go in the bathroom after me

Bowel Movement #78
12 o'clock, way too late
All this private business
My sinkers are black
You, you don't go in the bathroom after me
With you
I would not wanna be you
I'm warning you
I would not wanna be you

Too much private business
keepin' me up at night
Bowel Movement #78
My bathroom is fresh for you
You, you don't go in the bathroom after me

Bowel Movement #78 I'm talking about
12 o'clock, way too late
I say, all this private business
My sinkers are black -- it's true!
You, you don't go in the bathroom after me
With you
I've put the fan on for you
I'm warning you
I'll spray lots of Lysol
I'm warning you
I'll light a match just for you
I'm warning you
This is some na-sty ass stool
I'm warning you

You, nobody can do what I can do, no

Lyrics - Mouthbreathers

Here's one we never played out and, I think, only practiced once. Go figure. Might've been fun but I think we canned it 'cuz it's just "too long" (in Misfits' lore).

(To the tune of Hate Breeders)

Whoa oh oh
No
Whoa oh oh
Mouthbreathers whoa oh oh
Whoa oh oh
Mouthbreathers whoa oh oh

Fat alters the way you breathe
(Whoa oh oh)
You make noise the way no human being should
Because fat equals cancellation
Next step: full cavitation

And heavy breathing's all you wanna know
Whoa oh oh
Mouthbreathers whoa oh oh
Whoa oh oh
Mouthbreathers whoa oh oh
Whoa oh oh
Mouthbreathers whoa oh oh
Whoa oh oh
Mouthbreathers whoa oh oh

Not enough air penetrates your skull
(Whoa oh oh)
It's in your head and you can't clear it
Because you can't think of a time
When you didn't make that nasal whine!
Just try to breath for once through your nose
Whoa oh oh
Mouthbreathers whoa oh oh
Whoa oh oh
Mouthbreathers whoa oh oh
Whoa oh oh
Mouthbreathers whoa oh oh
Whoa oh oh
Mouthbreathers whoa oh oh

Because I can't fucking take it
Next step annihilation

Just try to breathe through your fucking nose
Whoa oh oh
Mouthbreathers whoa oh oh
Whoa oh oh
Mouthbreathers whoa oh oh
Whoa oh oh
Mouthbreathers whoa oh oh
Whoa oh oh
Mouthbreathers whoa oh oh

This is your crime; this is your fault
(Woah oh oh)
But you don't know because you're ignorant
Because when you try to break through
You're sucking my air, too!

And "Breathe Right" is all you gotta know
Whoa oh oh
Mouthbreathers whoa oh oh
Whoa oh oh
Mouthbreathers whoa oh oh
Whoa oh oh
Mouthbreathers whoa oh oh
Whoa oh oh
Mouthbreathers whoa oh oh
And all you know
Mouthbreathers whoa oh oh
And all you know
Mouthbreathers whoa oh oh

Double-shot Wednesday

Why? Because we like you - and because we always did these two back-to-back a'la the originals.

First up:

(To the tune of Mommy Can I Go Out And Kill Tonight)

Singled out the cooking that mean something to me,
Kingsford and Webber and a recipe
But I don't give a..., it's a blast

Studied TV every night
Watch Food Network so I'll be smart
People all say I'm a little fucked

Mommy I'm a good boy,
Mommy I'm a fuckin' master,
Mommy I've a goal:

Mommy, can I go out and GRILL TONIGHT?!

Throw on steaks with marbled fat,
Until they're seared just right
Red-blooded kids love BBQ
An ectasy of meat
I'll make the perfect meal
For it's my mommy's dream
Can I go out and grill tonight, grill tonight

Burgers, tofu, and kebobs
I use the whole damn grill
I could do this every night
until I've had my fill
I'll make the perfect meal
For it's my mommy's dream
Can I go out and grill tonight, grill tonight

Chicken, steaks, and vegetables
I'll fill up every plate
Every night I cook and cook
Until I get it straight
I'll make the perfect meal
For it's my mommy's dream

Can I go out and grill tonight, grill tonight
Grill tonight, grill tonight, grill tonight, grill tonight
Grill tonight, grill tonight

Can I go out and grill tonight, grill tonight
Grill tonight, grill tonight, grill tonight, grill tonight
Grill tonight, Grill tonight

And, no. 2:

(To the tune of London Dungeon)

They called us walkin' entrees
Living unprocessed meals
They wanna dice us up
Put us in all their pretty dish

Make sure your bodies clean now
Can't have no "Mad Cows" in here
All of us in here are clean, boy
All the shanks are prime and well.

I don't wanna be part of your London Broil
I don't wanna be part of your main entree
Ain't no mystery why I'm in misery in Hell
Here's hoping you'll swell

They called us walkin' entrees
Living unprocessed meals
They wanna dice us up
Put us in all their pretty dish

I don't wanna be part of your London Broil
I don't wanna be part of your main entree
Ain't no mystery why I'm in misery in Hell
Here's hoping you'll swell

Make sure our bodies clean now
Can't have no "Mad Cows" in here
All of us in here are clean, boy
All the shanks are prime and well.

I don't wanna be part of your London Broil
I don't wanna be party your main entree
Ain't no mystery why I'm in misery in Hell

Hope you choke in Hell
Hope you choke in Hell
Hope you choke in Hell
Hope you choke in Hell

Lyrics - Night of the Hungry Man

Here's an interesting selection. This is one of my personal all-time fave Misfits songs. I didn't want to touch it at all seeing how I held it (and its inspiration) in such high regard. But societal pressures forced me to relent and so you have what's below here.

Also one of the most difficult covers to sing. Really.

(to the tune of Night of the Living Dead)

No
No oh
No oh
No oh

"Stumble in somnambulance" 'cause
pre-dawn grumblings make me rise
yawning chasm of emptiness
heed the call the hungry man

Only once? All my life
An empty gut needs relief
Only once? All my life
Takin' a late nite picnic

This ain't no dreamin'
This is my appetite
This ain't something I control...

No
No oh
No oh
No oh

You think like a zombie, eat like a pig
Penthouse forum food magazine
Well tell you right now
This ain't no fantasy, boy

This ain't no dreamin'
This is my appetite
This ain't something I control...

No
No oh
No oh
No oh
No oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Lyrics - Man-titties

Let's call this one a big ol' rarity: We played it live only once, the first time we played for Michale Graves (in Gotham Road at the time, too). He found our set list on the stage during their set and just started laughing, calling this one out in particular, "You guys really have a song called, 'Man Titties'? That's fucking awesome!" That was like our 3rd or 4th show and was all the vindication we needed. And so the bond was borne...

(To tune of Attitude)

Man titties, I got some freakin' man titties,
I can't believe what are hangin' off me,
I got some man titties.

Inside my t-shirt I'm smugglin' baseballs,
If you put it to a test, I got bigger tits than most girls I know.

Man titties, these things I got, oh baby
Man titties, these things I got, oh baby
Man titties

Inside my t-shirt I'm smugglin' baseballs,
If you put it to a test,
I got bigger tits than most girls I know.


Man titties,I got some freakin' man titties,
(Man titties) I can't believe what are hangin' off me,
I got some man titties.

Man titties,I got some freakin' man titties,
(Man titties) I can't believe what are hangin' off me,
I got some man titties.

Lyrics - Hungry Moments

Another where, live, it was tough to hear the joke. But we nailed this cover so nicely I don't think anyone really minded much...

(to the tune of Hybrid Moments)

If you're gonna eat, eat with me
'cause I'm so hungry, man
Burgers, chips, and soda pop
I wanna eat 'em all again

Ooh baby, have a fry
Our life is sedentary
Don't wipe your mouth with your shirt
In hungry moments...Use a napkin...
In hungry moments...Use a napkin...

Ooh baby, have a fry
Our life is sedentary
Don't wipe your mouth with your shirt
Just use a napkin...Use a napkin...
Just use a napkin...Use a napkin...

In hungry moments
Just use a napkin..
Just use a napkin..
Just use a napkin..

Ooh baby, have a fry
Our life is sedentary
Don't wipe your mouth with your shirt

In hungry moments
In hungry moments

In hungry moments
In hungry moments

Just use a napkin..
Just use a napkin..

Lyrics - Ding Dong

A tough one, right? The primary purpose here was to provide background music for a Ding Dong eating competition. We'd select two volunteers from the audience and have them race, seeing how many Ding Dongs they could eat before we finished the song. We usually had to cut it short as said volunteers were usually A:) not at our levels of gastronomical tolerance and B:) completely wasted.

A couple of Zoo Bombers from here in PDX were our fave competitors. Contrast that to the volunteers at SXSW who just danced about and threw the treats at the crowd. At least one of them managed to rape Jerry Baloney, much to our amusement...

(To the tune Rat Fink)

D-,
I say D-I,
D-I-N,
D-I-N-G,
DING,
D-I-N-G, DING, DING, DING, DING

D-,
I say D-O,
D-O-N,
D-O-N-G,
DONG,
D-I-N-G D-O-N-G,
DING DONG!

DING DONG!
DING DONG!
DING DONG!
DING DONG!
DING DONG!
D-I-N-G D-O-N-G,
DING DONG!

DING DONG
DING DONG
DING DONG
DING DONG
DING DONG
D-I-N-G D-O-N-G,
DING DONG!

DING DONG
DING DONG
DING DONG
DING DONG
DING DONG
D-I-N-G D-O-N-G,
D-I-N-G D-O-N-G,
D-I-N-G D-O-N-G,
DING DONG!

Lyrics - I Turned Into a Lardass

One of the penultimate crowd faves - if this one didn't get you listening before you started singing along to the lyrics you remember then nothing would. Strong middle-set candidate, constant companion for us and most commonly used to demonstrate our concept: "See, instead of 'I Turned Into a Martian' we sing, 'I Turned Into a Lardass.' Get it?"

I Turned Into a Lardass (To tune of "I Turned Into A Martian")

Possession of a gut is a wonderful thing,
It's a transformation with an urge to eat,
Not the body of a normal guy,
Not a face with just one chin,

Whoa
Well I turned in to a lardass
Whoa
I can't even see my feet
Whoa
Sometimes gas keeps me up all night
Whoa
Well I turned into a lardass today.
I walk down city streets,
of a way-too-skinny human world,
Extra large in your midst,
A buffet is mine to own, 'cause:

Whoa
Well I turned in to a lardass
Whoa
I can't even see my dick
Whoa
Sometimes I really miss that thing
Whoa
Well I turned into a lardass today.
(chorus to end)

Lyrics - Hollywood Waffle House

Just a fun one, imagining what a West Coast appearance of this Southern staple might bring. It was always good for a smirk or two in the audience.

Hollywood Waffle House (tune of Hollywood Babylon)

Who came along for the ride?
We can't all fit inside
Do you take your hashbrowns covered or capped?
It's heaven, dripping down my chest

Hollywood Waffle House
Hollywood Waffle House

Flesh omelet, syrup divine
Extra - gravy on the side
Why don't we go there tonight?
We can't all fit inside

Hollywood Waffle House
Hollywood Waffle House

Why don't we go there tonight?
Yeah you - you can't fit inside!
Do you take your hashbrowns covered or capped?
It's heaven - stops the heart in my chest

Hollywood Waffle House
Hollywood Waffle House
Hollywood Waffle House
Hollywood Waffle House

Lyrics - Halloween

Yeah, not too original here but the changes, I think, more than make up for it. I changed it once to Thanksgiving when we had a show right after that weekend. I'd done it too long as what's below, tho', to change it in my head.

Another crowd fave, too.

HALLOWEEN

Doorways shining bright
Bulging sacks in the night
I remember Halloween

Dumb kids throwing stones
They're little ones from whom I stole
I remember Halloween

Find me - bloated, old
From one last candy score
I remember Halloween

This day anything goes
Eat so much that I'll explode
I remember Halloween

Halloween
Halloween
Halloween
Halloween

Candy apples and M&M's
Coat my in-tes-tine
I remember Halloween

This day anything goes
Eat so much that I'll explode
I remember

Halloween
Halloween
Halloween
Halloween

Halloween
Halloween
Halloween
Halloween

Halloween (to end)

Lyrics - Elastic Age

We played this one alot more early on, relying on it to slow things down a bit.

Elastic Age (tune of Static Age)

Elastic, elastic, elastic
Fat fashion's all the rage,
Elastic, elastic, elastic
Fat fashion's all the rage

We're all thru with the stretch marks, too
We're all thru with the stretch marks, too
This is the elastic age we live in
Our legs can cross at the thought

This is the elastic age we live in
Freedom!
Let your gut out - no more held-in breathin',
Stuff in, squeeze in
This is an elastic age
Our very elastic age
This is an elastic age

Elastic, elastic, elastic
These are elastic pants I'm wearin',
Elastic, elastic, elastic
Fat fashion's all the rage

We're all thru with the stretch marks, too
We're all thru with the stretch marks, too

Lyrics - Green Eggs

Now, this one, I was proud of this one. It's one of the really solid ones that came so naturally, so easily, so quickly, that I knew it was meant to be.

With all gratitude and apologies to both Danzig and Dr Seuss...

Green Eggs (tune of Green Hell)

Here on this plate
Lies green eggs 'n ham
Touch 'em, taste 'em
NO!

Here on this plate
From Sam I Am
Touch 'em, taste 'em
NO!

You're gonna like 'em
Yeah you'll love 'em
You'll come to this like no one could
I bet you never really knew that
You'll come to this like no one could
I bet you never really...

Here on this plate
Lies green eggs 'n ham
Touch 'em, taste 'em
WHOA!

Here on this plate
From Sam I Am
Touch 'em, taste 'em
WHOA!

You're gonna like 'em
Yeah you'll love 'em
You've come to this like no one could
You've come to this like no one could
I bet you never knew you would now
You've come to this like no one could

Lyrics - Don't Open That Mayonnaise

We had to do at least one Graves-era 'fits tune and this one worked out clearly the best of the batch. We had the opportunity to play with Michale Graves (solo, acoustic solo, and with Gotham Road) and we always found him to be a pretty decent guy - hard-working, easy-going, approachable, and always putting on a good show. Again, believe what you want about the guy but that's the Michale we know and respect. And, man alive, that voice of his - the kid's got pipes for days, pipes I would pretty much kill for.

We pretty much always saved this song for the next-to-last spot in the set. The first time we played it for him (in Seattle, the 2nd time we played w/ him) we were a little nervous - we just weren't sure if he had a good enough sense of humor. Part-way through our set I looked out, far in the back of the venue, and saw a smaller-framed guy in a hoodie standing there, nodding and laughing. That's all the validation I needed. He seemed to enjoy the following in the spirit in which it was intended which is good...

Don't Open That Mayonnaise (tune of Don't Open 'til Doomsday)

I bought this jar of condiments so long ago
And now when I wanna use it, I really do not know
Just when did I buy it? When was it made?
A thought comes to me as I twist the lid:

Don't open that mayonnaise
Expiration reads this past May
Don't open that mayonnaise
You might not like what you'll find
Inside

Made of dairy products oh so long ago
Now induces stomach cramping and painful fecal flow
Entering a realm of a pain I've never known
Bowing to the god, the god of porcelain

Don't open that mayonnaise
Expiration reads this past May
Don't open that mayonnaise
You might not like what you'll find
Inside

Don't open that mayonnaise
Expiration reads this past May
Don't open that mayonnaise
You might not like what you'll find
Inside

Lyrics - Diet Diet My Darling

We added this one mid-way through our band's life and it was an insta-hit. Thereafter it would always fall 2nd in the set, usually w/o pause from 20 Pies. It also inspired our 2nd t-shirt design as well.

Diet Diet My Darling (tune of Die Die My Darling)

Diet diet diet my darling
Don't shed a single pound
Diet diet diet my darling
Just stuff your pretty mouth
I'll be seein' you gain weight
I'll be seein' you obese

Don't lose that weight now baby
Your future is here in a donut box yeah
Don't lose that weight now baby
Glad to know what size you belong
Don't lose that weight now baby
Glad to see it a' comin' on
Don't lose that weight now baby
Chubby girl for a fatass guy
Don't lose that weight now baby
Now your gut hangs over your pants
Don't lose that weight now baby

Diet diet diet my darling
Don't shed a single pound
Diet diet diet my darling
Just stuff your pretty mouth
I'll be seein' you gain weight
I'll be seein' you obese

Don't lose that weight now baby
Your future is here in a donut box yeah
Don't lose that weight now baby
Glad to know what size you belong
Don't lose that weight now baby
Glad to see it a' comin' on
Don't lose that weight now baby
Chubby girl for a fatass guy
Don't lose that weight now baby
Now your gut hangs over your pants
Don't lose that weight now baby

Diet diet diet my darling
Don't shed a single pound
Diet diet diet my darling
Just stuff your pretty mouth
I'll be seein' you gain weight
I'll be seein' you obese

Lyrics - 20 Pies

Always started with this one - always. It's a familiar enough Misfits song in their catalog but, for our purposes, the gag is immediate. The 2nd word fulfills any possible expectations when people come out to see us but don't quite know what to expect. This one removes all doubt, moves quickly, and gets you hooked. Or, in the case of crusty punks and most young kids, gets you P.O.'d.

20 Pies (tune of 20 Eyes, duh)

Twenty pies in my head
Twenty pies in my head
Twenty pies in my head
They're all the same
They're all meringue

Twenty pies in my head
Twenty pies in my head
Twenty pies in my head
They're all the same
They're all meringue

When you're eatin' twenty pies at a time
You just can't slow things down
And a'when you're twenty pies in your mind
You just don't slow things down

All those pies
Well they're backing up your sinuses
I said all those pies
It's an overload...

Twenty pies in my head
Twenty pies in my head
Twenty pies in my head
They're all the same
They're all meringue

When you're eatin' twenty pies at a time
You just can't slow things down
And a'when you're twenty pies in your mind
You just don't slow things down

All those pies
Well they're backing up your sinuses
I said all those pies
It's an overload...

Twenty pies in my head
Twenty pies in my head
Twenty pies in my head
They're all the same
They're all the same

Lyrics - 288

Ah, the crowd fave, usually falling late in our set. It was always a good rallying tune, if we were in danger of losing the crowd.

288 (tune of 138)

We weigh 288
We weigh 288
We weigh 288

We weigh 288
We weigh 288
We weigh 288

Do you think it's sad or obscene
that we cause an unreal scene?
Is it time to eat like a wuss
Or like a man?

All pleasantries all gone
We're two instead of one
In our eyes
Size matters

We weigh 288
We weigh 288
We weigh 288

We weigh 288
We weigh 288
That's our
That's our median weight

Weight (by, oh, say, 23x more)

Lyrics - Buffet Zombies

Sing-along crowd fave here, which is its strength over our limited re-lyricizing... Always fun to do, tho'.

Buffet Zombies (tune of Astro Zombies)

Whoa
All I want tonight
All I want

With just a bunch of coupons in hand
Send my buffet zombies to roam this land
Prime directive: Exterminate!
The whole Izzy's buffet

And your face drops in a pile of food
And your heart-heart pounds and stops in death
Prime directive: Exterminate!
Every plate yeah

All I wanna say
All I gotta do
We're gonna cut in line in front of you

And all I wanna say
And all I gotta do
You're gonna have to wait until we're through

Whoa
All I want tonight
All I want

With just a wave of my corpulent hand
Send my buffet zombies to roam this land
Prime directive: Exterminate!
The whole fucking place

And your face drops in a pile of food
And your heart-heart pounds and stops in death
Prime directive: Exterminate!
Every plate yeah

All I wanna say
All I gotta do
We're gonna cut in line in front of you

And all I wanna say
And all I gotta do
You're gonna have to wait until we're through

Whoa
All I want tonight
All I want

Lyrics - BBQ

Not my best lyrical trans-substantiation, by far, but this one's such a crowd favorite that it doesn't really matter, I soon realized, what lyrics you put to it - so long as you do it w/ utter conviction.

BBQ (tune of Bullet)

Brisket grilling slow on low heat
Rub grill and eat
Brown sugar and soy sauce
Make my sauce sweet
It's fucking meat

Jen is my prep cook, she does it all
Like mashed potato rolls

Texas is a paradise of barbecue
Texas is a nightmare - go there, it's true
One of the reasons that there's good barbecue
You gotta suck, suck, clean-finger suck

Brisket grilling slow on low heat
Rub grill and eat
Brown sugar and soy sauce
Make my sauce sweet
It's fucking meat

Texas is a paradise of barbecue
Tennessee, Carolina, and KC, too
These are the reasons that there's good barbecue
You're gonna suck, suck, clean-finger suck

Arise, people, oh,
Connoisseurs of all things meat
Well arise and be fulfilled
My sauce be your life source
There's ribs for your dessert
And the only way to get 'em
Is to suck, or pump, from me
Oh go ahead and really baste 'em
Really baste 'em
Then slurp it from your palm
Like a dry rib rack soakin' sauce
Soakin' up sauce
Like a dry rib rack soakin' sauce
Soakin' up sauce

Lyrics - Gas Comes Ripping

Like Come Back this one was only used on our 2-date tour in 2007 as well.

Gas Comes Ripping

Doubled-over down low
I might throw up
Repeat is coming
Gas building up
Whoa
Anal blast, a bit of turtle head

With both eyes clenched shut
Skidmarks that could kill
Smell the evil
Feel the heat as I blast ass open

Gas comes ripping
And I know it, gas comes ripping
You smell the heat as gas comes ripping

Rip your pants out
And gas comes ripping out

Fresh and loud
Stale and quiet
Churning it over
A little too late - now suffocate

Gas comes ripping
And it's going, gas comes ripping
You smell the heat as gas comes ripping
Rip your pants out

Gas comes ripping
And it's going, gas comes ripping
You smell the heat as gas comes ripping
Rip your pants out

Gas comes ripping

And I know that gas comes ripping out

Whoa
Whoa
Whoa
Whoa

Lyrics - Come Back

Our take on the classic, played only on our Medford/Chico tour in 2007.

Come Back

Come back little waiter and clear my plate
I've been waiting, endless waiting
Come back - dessert awaits

Come back little garscon, dessert cart please
I am - not full, I am - not done
Come back, dessert cart now

I think you'll realize when I'm done
Well, in a booth - sleepin' in a coma
Barely alive - but I've just begun

I think you'll realize when I'm done

You gotta come back
You gotta come back
You gotta come back
You gotta come back

Come back little waitress, here wipe my face
I've been eating, endless eating
Come back, refill my plate

I think you'll realize when I'm done
Crapped my pants - my heart stopped momentsago

I'm not alive - I've just begun

And I think you'll realize when I'm done

You gotta come back
You gotta come back
You gotta come back
You gotta come back

You gotta come back, come back, well, come back
Right back to me
You gotta come back, come back, come on back
Right back to me
You gotta come back, come back, come on back
Right back to me
You gotta come back, come back, come on back
Right back to me, yeah

The Final Show - a summary, first

It's taken me awhile to write this entry simply because part of me didn't want to.  It's tough to call quits on something that's been so damn reliably fun for almost 5 years.  I wish we could've taken the 'fats to more people, in more places, but that just ain't economically viable (that's time and money, folks).  

In creating this band we resolved early on to call it off completely if it ever became un-fun or a hassle.  With Foyle moving 5 hours away driving that just made it very much a hassle.  And, we figured, why not end on an upswing, a positive note, before it's just a tired gig, "just another tribute act."  We're well aware that we were never that, tho'.  No way, no how.  J.V. Bastard, lately touring with Michale Graves on his solo acoustic set (J.V. plays guitar on a few songs so it's mostly solo) which you should go see anytime and everytime, said we weren't just the funnest Misfits tribute act - we were, by far, the best Misfits tribute act.  That's high praise IMO, considering the source.  And it's close to the heart of the 'fats:  We were always respectful of the Misfits catalog and historical importance.  We just wanted to have fun with it, too.  I think we managed that quite well.  

Sure, we had some bad shows here and there but the feedback we'd get afterward showed that we were the only ones thinking it wasn't good enough.  That was sure nice of a shot in the arm, too.  Early on, I'd said that we needed to play every show as if it's our final.  Now that we've played our final show, though, I can say that's not entirely a fair goal.   Each show became an opportunity to put out the goods, to sell people on this idea, to elevate the ridiculous into the realm of the sublime.  And while crusty punx and most kids didn't like us (the former being too self-righteous, the latter being, as one older patron worded it, "not secure enough in their punk rawk to mock it yet") the overwhelming majority favored the fat.  Sure, we had our work cut out for us most of the time as some either didn't get the gimmick ("Why do the songs sound different?") or couldn't believe we'd do it.  I mean, let's face it:  Large, fat, shirtless, white guys in wigs and makeup playing aggressive punk typically doesn't lend itself to credibility.  But, again, somehow it all worked out beyond any notions we'd had.

Thanks for the shows, thanks for the cheering and participation, thanks for the comments and the merch sales(!), and thanks for the fun.  Remember, if you enjoyed us half as much as we enjoyed performing for you, then we enjoyed it twice as much as you.

(Final show pix in a Flickr set here, btw.)