Lyrics - Ding Dong

A tough one, right? The primary purpose here was to provide background music for a Ding Dong eating competition. We'd select two volunteers from the audience and have them race, seeing how many Ding Dongs they could eat before we finished the song. We usually had to cut it short as said volunteers were usually A:) not at our levels of gastronomical tolerance and B:) completely wasted.

A couple of Zoo Bombers from here in PDX were our fave competitors. Contrast that to the volunteers at SXSW who just danced about and threw the treats at the crowd. At least one of them managed to rape Jerry Baloney, much to our amusement...

(To the tune Rat Fink)

D-,
I say D-I,
D-I-N,
D-I-N-G,
DING,
D-I-N-G, DING, DING, DING, DING

D-,
I say D-O,
D-O-N,
D-O-N-G,
DONG,
D-I-N-G D-O-N-G,
DING DONG!

DING DONG!
DING DONG!
DING DONG!
DING DONG!
DING DONG!
D-I-N-G D-O-N-G,
DING DONG!

DING DONG
DING DONG
DING DONG
DING DONG
DING DONG
D-I-N-G D-O-N-G,
DING DONG!

DING DONG
DING DONG
DING DONG
DING DONG
DING DONG
D-I-N-G D-O-N-G,
D-I-N-G D-O-N-G,
D-I-N-G D-O-N-G,
DING DONG!

Lyrics - I Turned Into a Lardass

One of the penultimate crowd faves - if this one didn't get you listening before you started singing along to the lyrics you remember then nothing would. Strong middle-set candidate, constant companion for us and most commonly used to demonstrate our concept: "See, instead of 'I Turned Into a Martian' we sing, 'I Turned Into a Lardass.' Get it?"

I Turned Into a Lardass (To tune of "I Turned Into A Martian")

Possession of a gut is a wonderful thing,
It's a transformation with an urge to eat,
Not the body of a normal guy,
Not a face with just one chin,

Whoa
Well I turned in to a lardass
Whoa
I can't even see my feet
Whoa
Sometimes gas keeps me up all night
Whoa
Well I turned into a lardass today.
I walk down city streets,
of a way-too-skinny human world,
Extra large in your midst,
A buffet is mine to own, 'cause:

Whoa
Well I turned in to a lardass
Whoa
I can't even see my dick
Whoa
Sometimes I really miss that thing
Whoa
Well I turned into a lardass today.
(chorus to end)

Lyrics - Hollywood Waffle House

Just a fun one, imagining what a West Coast appearance of this Southern staple might bring. It was always good for a smirk or two in the audience.

Hollywood Waffle House (tune of Hollywood Babylon)

Who came along for the ride?
We can't all fit inside
Do you take your hashbrowns covered or capped?
It's heaven, dripping down my chest

Hollywood Waffle House
Hollywood Waffle House

Flesh omelet, syrup divine
Extra - gravy on the side
Why don't we go there tonight?
We can't all fit inside

Hollywood Waffle House
Hollywood Waffle House

Why don't we go there tonight?
Yeah you - you can't fit inside!
Do you take your hashbrowns covered or capped?
It's heaven - stops the heart in my chest

Hollywood Waffle House
Hollywood Waffle House
Hollywood Waffle House
Hollywood Waffle House

Lyrics - Halloween

Yeah, not too original here but the changes, I think, more than make up for it. I changed it once to Thanksgiving when we had a show right after that weekend. I'd done it too long as what's below, tho', to change it in my head.

Another crowd fave, too.

HALLOWEEN

Doorways shining bright
Bulging sacks in the night
I remember Halloween

Dumb kids throwing stones
They're little ones from whom I stole
I remember Halloween

Find me - bloated, old
From one last candy score
I remember Halloween

This day anything goes
Eat so much that I'll explode
I remember Halloween

Halloween
Halloween
Halloween
Halloween

Candy apples and M&M's
Coat my in-tes-tine
I remember Halloween

This day anything goes
Eat so much that I'll explode
I remember

Halloween
Halloween
Halloween
Halloween

Halloween
Halloween
Halloween
Halloween

Halloween (to end)

Lyrics - Elastic Age

We played this one alot more early on, relying on it to slow things down a bit.

Elastic Age (tune of Static Age)

Elastic, elastic, elastic
Fat fashion's all the rage,
Elastic, elastic, elastic
Fat fashion's all the rage

We're all thru with the stretch marks, too
We're all thru with the stretch marks, too
This is the elastic age we live in
Our legs can cross at the thought

This is the elastic age we live in
Freedom!
Let your gut out - no more held-in breathin',
Stuff in, squeeze in
This is an elastic age
Our very elastic age
This is an elastic age

Elastic, elastic, elastic
These are elastic pants I'm wearin',
Elastic, elastic, elastic
Fat fashion's all the rage

We're all thru with the stretch marks, too
We're all thru with the stretch marks, too

Lyrics - Green Eggs

Now, this one, I was proud of this one. It's one of the really solid ones that came so naturally, so easily, so quickly, that I knew it was meant to be.

With all gratitude and apologies to both Danzig and Dr Seuss...

Green Eggs (tune of Green Hell)

Here on this plate
Lies green eggs 'n ham
Touch 'em, taste 'em
NO!

Here on this plate
From Sam I Am
Touch 'em, taste 'em
NO!

You're gonna like 'em
Yeah you'll love 'em
You'll come to this like no one could
I bet you never really knew that
You'll come to this like no one could
I bet you never really...

Here on this plate
Lies green eggs 'n ham
Touch 'em, taste 'em
WHOA!

Here on this plate
From Sam I Am
Touch 'em, taste 'em
WHOA!

You're gonna like 'em
Yeah you'll love 'em
You've come to this like no one could
You've come to this like no one could
I bet you never knew you would now
You've come to this like no one could

Lyrics - Don't Open That Mayonnaise

We had to do at least one Graves-era 'fits tune and this one worked out clearly the best of the batch. We had the opportunity to play with Michale Graves (solo, acoustic solo, and with Gotham Road) and we always found him to be a pretty decent guy - hard-working, easy-going, approachable, and always putting on a good show. Again, believe what you want about the guy but that's the Michale we know and respect. And, man alive, that voice of his - the kid's got pipes for days, pipes I would pretty much kill for.

We pretty much always saved this song for the next-to-last spot in the set. The first time we played it for him (in Seattle, the 2nd time we played w/ him) we were a little nervous - we just weren't sure if he had a good enough sense of humor. Part-way through our set I looked out, far in the back of the venue, and saw a smaller-framed guy in a hoodie standing there, nodding and laughing. That's all the validation I needed. He seemed to enjoy the following in the spirit in which it was intended which is good...

Don't Open That Mayonnaise (tune of Don't Open 'til Doomsday)

I bought this jar of condiments so long ago
And now when I wanna use it, I really do not know
Just when did I buy it? When was it made?
A thought comes to me as I twist the lid:

Don't open that mayonnaise
Expiration reads this past May
Don't open that mayonnaise
You might not like what you'll find
Inside

Made of dairy products oh so long ago
Now induces stomach cramping and painful fecal flow
Entering a realm of a pain I've never known
Bowing to the god, the god of porcelain

Don't open that mayonnaise
Expiration reads this past May
Don't open that mayonnaise
You might not like what you'll find
Inside

Don't open that mayonnaise
Expiration reads this past May
Don't open that mayonnaise
You might not like what you'll find
Inside

Lyrics - Diet Diet My Darling

We added this one mid-way through our band's life and it was an insta-hit. Thereafter it would always fall 2nd in the set, usually w/o pause from 20 Pies. It also inspired our 2nd t-shirt design as well.

Diet Diet My Darling (tune of Die Die My Darling)

Diet diet diet my darling
Don't shed a single pound
Diet diet diet my darling
Just stuff your pretty mouth
I'll be seein' you gain weight
I'll be seein' you obese

Don't lose that weight now baby
Your future is here in a donut box yeah
Don't lose that weight now baby
Glad to know what size you belong
Don't lose that weight now baby
Glad to see it a' comin' on
Don't lose that weight now baby
Chubby girl for a fatass guy
Don't lose that weight now baby
Now your gut hangs over your pants
Don't lose that weight now baby

Diet diet diet my darling
Don't shed a single pound
Diet diet diet my darling
Just stuff your pretty mouth
I'll be seein' you gain weight
I'll be seein' you obese

Don't lose that weight now baby
Your future is here in a donut box yeah
Don't lose that weight now baby
Glad to know what size you belong
Don't lose that weight now baby
Glad to see it a' comin' on
Don't lose that weight now baby
Chubby girl for a fatass guy
Don't lose that weight now baby
Now your gut hangs over your pants
Don't lose that weight now baby

Diet diet diet my darling
Don't shed a single pound
Diet diet diet my darling
Just stuff your pretty mouth
I'll be seein' you gain weight
I'll be seein' you obese

Lyrics - 20 Pies

Always started with this one - always. It's a familiar enough Misfits song in their catalog but, for our purposes, the gag is immediate. The 2nd word fulfills any possible expectations when people come out to see us but don't quite know what to expect. This one removes all doubt, moves quickly, and gets you hooked. Or, in the case of crusty punks and most young kids, gets you P.O.'d.

20 Pies (tune of 20 Eyes, duh)

Twenty pies in my head
Twenty pies in my head
Twenty pies in my head
They're all the same
They're all meringue

Twenty pies in my head
Twenty pies in my head
Twenty pies in my head
They're all the same
They're all meringue

When you're eatin' twenty pies at a time
You just can't slow things down
And a'when you're twenty pies in your mind
You just don't slow things down

All those pies
Well they're backing up your sinuses
I said all those pies
It's an overload...

Twenty pies in my head
Twenty pies in my head
Twenty pies in my head
They're all the same
They're all meringue

When you're eatin' twenty pies at a time
You just can't slow things down
And a'when you're twenty pies in your mind
You just don't slow things down

All those pies
Well they're backing up your sinuses
I said all those pies
It's an overload...

Twenty pies in my head
Twenty pies in my head
Twenty pies in my head
They're all the same
They're all the same

Lyrics - 288

Ah, the crowd fave, usually falling late in our set. It was always a good rallying tune, if we were in danger of losing the crowd.

288 (tune of 138)

We weigh 288
We weigh 288
We weigh 288

We weigh 288
We weigh 288
We weigh 288

Do you think it's sad or obscene
that we cause an unreal scene?
Is it time to eat like a wuss
Or like a man?

All pleasantries all gone
We're two instead of one
In our eyes
Size matters

We weigh 288
We weigh 288
We weigh 288

We weigh 288
We weigh 288
That's our
That's our median weight

Weight (by, oh, say, 23x more)

Lyrics - Buffet Zombies

Sing-along crowd fave here, which is its strength over our limited re-lyricizing... Always fun to do, tho'.

Buffet Zombies (tune of Astro Zombies)

Whoa
All I want tonight
All I want

With just a bunch of coupons in hand
Send my buffet zombies to roam this land
Prime directive: Exterminate!
The whole Izzy's buffet

And your face drops in a pile of food
And your heart-heart pounds and stops in death
Prime directive: Exterminate!
Every plate yeah

All I wanna say
All I gotta do
We're gonna cut in line in front of you

And all I wanna say
And all I gotta do
You're gonna have to wait until we're through

Whoa
All I want tonight
All I want

With just a wave of my corpulent hand
Send my buffet zombies to roam this land
Prime directive: Exterminate!
The whole fucking place

And your face drops in a pile of food
And your heart-heart pounds and stops in death
Prime directive: Exterminate!
Every plate yeah

All I wanna say
All I gotta do
We're gonna cut in line in front of you

And all I wanna say
And all I gotta do
You're gonna have to wait until we're through

Whoa
All I want tonight
All I want

Lyrics - BBQ

Not my best lyrical trans-substantiation, by far, but this one's such a crowd favorite that it doesn't really matter, I soon realized, what lyrics you put to it - so long as you do it w/ utter conviction.

BBQ (tune of Bullet)

Brisket grilling slow on low heat
Rub grill and eat
Brown sugar and soy sauce
Make my sauce sweet
It's fucking meat

Jen is my prep cook, she does it all
Like mashed potato rolls

Texas is a paradise of barbecue
Texas is a nightmare - go there, it's true
One of the reasons that there's good barbecue
You gotta suck, suck, clean-finger suck

Brisket grilling slow on low heat
Rub grill and eat
Brown sugar and soy sauce
Make my sauce sweet
It's fucking meat

Texas is a paradise of barbecue
Tennessee, Carolina, and KC, too
These are the reasons that there's good barbecue
You're gonna suck, suck, clean-finger suck

Arise, people, oh,
Connoisseurs of all things meat
Well arise and be fulfilled
My sauce be your life source
There's ribs for your dessert
And the only way to get 'em
Is to suck, or pump, from me
Oh go ahead and really baste 'em
Really baste 'em
Then slurp it from your palm
Like a dry rib rack soakin' sauce
Soakin' up sauce
Like a dry rib rack soakin' sauce
Soakin' up sauce

Lyrics - Gas Comes Ripping

Like Come Back this one was only used on our 2-date tour in 2007 as well.

Gas Comes Ripping

Doubled-over down low
I might throw up
Repeat is coming
Gas building up
Whoa
Anal blast, a bit of turtle head

With both eyes clenched shut
Skidmarks that could kill
Smell the evil
Feel the heat as I blast ass open

Gas comes ripping
And I know it, gas comes ripping
You smell the heat as gas comes ripping

Rip your pants out
And gas comes ripping out

Fresh and loud
Stale and quiet
Churning it over
A little too late - now suffocate

Gas comes ripping
And it's going, gas comes ripping
You smell the heat as gas comes ripping
Rip your pants out

Gas comes ripping
And it's going, gas comes ripping
You smell the heat as gas comes ripping
Rip your pants out

Gas comes ripping

And I know that gas comes ripping out

Whoa
Whoa
Whoa
Whoa

Lyrics - Come Back

Our take on the classic, played only on our Medford/Chico tour in 2007.

Come Back

Come back little waiter and clear my plate
I've been waiting, endless waiting
Come back - dessert awaits

Come back little garscon, dessert cart please
I am - not full, I am - not done
Come back, dessert cart now

I think you'll realize when I'm done
Well, in a booth - sleepin' in a coma
Barely alive - but I've just begun

I think you'll realize when I'm done

You gotta come back
You gotta come back
You gotta come back
You gotta come back

Come back little waitress, here wipe my face
I've been eating, endless eating
Come back, refill my plate

I think you'll realize when I'm done
Crapped my pants - my heart stopped momentsago

I'm not alive - I've just begun

And I think you'll realize when I'm done

You gotta come back
You gotta come back
You gotta come back
You gotta come back

You gotta come back, come back, well, come back
Right back to me
You gotta come back, come back, come on back
Right back to me
You gotta come back, come back, come on back
Right back to me
You gotta come back, come back, come on back
Right back to me, yeah

The Final Show - a summary, first

It's taken me awhile to write this entry simply because part of me didn't want to.  It's tough to call quits on something that's been so damn reliably fun for almost 5 years.  I wish we could've taken the 'fats to more people, in more places, but that just ain't economically viable (that's time and money, folks).  

In creating this band we resolved early on to call it off completely if it ever became un-fun or a hassle.  With Foyle moving 5 hours away driving that just made it very much a hassle.  And, we figured, why not end on an upswing, a positive note, before it's just a tired gig, "just another tribute act."  We're well aware that we were never that, tho'.  No way, no how.  J.V. Bastard, lately touring with Michale Graves on his solo acoustic set (J.V. plays guitar on a few songs so it's mostly solo) which you should go see anytime and everytime, said we weren't just the funnest Misfits tribute act - we were, by far, the best Misfits tribute act.  That's high praise IMO, considering the source.  And it's close to the heart of the 'fats:  We were always respectful of the Misfits catalog and historical importance.  We just wanted to have fun with it, too.  I think we managed that quite well.  

Sure, we had some bad shows here and there but the feedback we'd get afterward showed that we were the only ones thinking it wasn't good enough.  That was sure nice of a shot in the arm, too.  Early on, I'd said that we needed to play every show as if it's our final.  Now that we've played our final show, though, I can say that's not entirely a fair goal.   Each show became an opportunity to put out the goods, to sell people on this idea, to elevate the ridiculous into the realm of the sublime.  And while crusty punx and most kids didn't like us (the former being too self-righteous, the latter being, as one older patron worded it, "not secure enough in their punk rawk to mock it yet") the overwhelming majority favored the fat.  Sure, we had our work cut out for us most of the time as some either didn't get the gimmick ("Why do the songs sound different?") or couldn't believe we'd do it.  I mean, let's face it:  Large, fat, shirtless, white guys in wigs and makeup playing aggressive punk typically doesn't lend itself to credibility.  But, again, somehow it all worked out beyond any notions we'd had.

Thanks for the shows, thanks for the cheering and participation, thanks for the comments and the merch sales(!), and thanks for the fun.  Remember, if you enjoyed us half as much as we enjoyed performing for you, then we enjoyed it twice as much as you.

(Final show pix in a Flickr set here, btw.)

Ash St., Oct. 24th 2008 w/ Michale Graves

Noland_&_Graves
Originally uploaded by ScrumpyFU

Thanks again to all who came out to support this show! We hadn't been able to play together for 5 long months so we were all a bit apprehensive about our opening slot. I listened non-stop to a playlist of our setlist selection and I think the other fellas did, too - we just must have clicked in on that same wavelength, not wanting a repeat of our Slabtown show (where we hadn't practiced in 6 weeks and stunk to high heaven).

We got to soundcheck and that, to our mutual surprise, felt pretty good. We got ready per our usual routine (with some very dried-out makeup!) and Heather at Ash St. dimmed the lights and started up the warning siren. As soon as we launched into 20 Pies I knew we were gonna be alright and that my voice was gonna hold. We jawed with the crowd, had another crimson ghost appearance, and cut it off at :30 minutes. Oh and Baloney got one of those roses that those quiet, pushy salesmen seem to always come around with to local bars on weekend nights. That provided great joviality for which I'll promptly be sent to Hell for when I die.

Adrien H was on next, described as "dark acoustic." Basically, it was the eponymous character and his keyboard and then a drummer for accompaniment. It was dark and moody but seemed very contrary to the very non-acoustic energy we started off the evening with. Oh well.

I'd talked with Michale and JV prior to the show and Michale confirmed that he was playing a :90 minute, 27-song set. I think he's got one of the best voices in rawk today and is a great lyricist but I had my doubts as to being engaging for that long with just an acoustic guitar. I'm pleased to report that I was very wrong to doubt!

He played a great variety of his songs, from his time with the Misfits to his solo work (Web of Dharma, etc.) to his collaboration with Damien Echols (Illusions is the name of that album) to entirely new creations from some time overseas this past summer. J.V. joined him for several songs but, primarily, Michale was on his own and was just fantastic. Very laid-back but a good amount of passion behind what he was doing I think everyone in attendance keyed in and appreciated it.

He was touring in part support for the Free the West Memphis 3 fund who had setup a donation jar and such at the merch table that night. It's a compelling case and Graves is a bit of a champion for the cause.

Michale stuck around after and autographed and stayed for pix. He also asked folks to contribute to the WM3 fund, even putting the take of the door we gave him to that. Say what you will about the guy, his heart's in the right place and he's a damn fine entertainer.

Another final-show flyer

Courtesy of the fine folks at Plan B:



SEE YOU THERE - IF YOU DARE!!!

The end of days...

Since all good things must come to some kind of end we figured to put to bed our constant grotesque companion of the past night unto 5 years.


Friday, Oct. 24th
Ash St. Saloon (SW 2nd & Ash, I believe)
opening* for Michale Graves' acoustic set
$7
*This means we go on 2nd, have a short set, and then you have to sit through someone else before and after. HOWEVER, this show is a "Can Food Drive for Portland Rescue Mission. For every Can of Food you bring, you will receive a raffle ticket for prizes given away during the show from local shops and businesses."

Sat., Nov. 1st
Plan B (SE 8th & Main)
w/ the Punk Group and the Kenny Rogers Experience*
*This means we're headlining. That means there's more of a mess to be made of things and, therefore, will be much more of an engaging, enjoyable experience for you all.

See you somewhere, hopefully soon!

Oct. 24th show - more than meets the eyesore

From the Ash St. website:

This is a Can Food Drive for Portland Rescue Mission. For every Can of Food you bring, you will receive a raffle ticket for prizes given away during the show from local shops and businesses. Tis the season, help us help those less fortunate.

Now this is dedication, people

Courtesy of a fan on myspace:



Get that fan some free fan-schwag!